With Juan & Gee
The Whole TRUTH And Nothing But The TRUTH!
Imagine a world where everyone felt comfortable enough to keep it real, to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, regardless of the situation, circumstances, or possible ramifications. What’s more, imagine a world devoid of the superfluous lies we tell ourselves and each other; a place where everyone is secure enough to not just speak the whole truth but to receive the whole truth as well. Can you picture a world where you are comfortable enough to admit a mistake or a bad choice or a wrongdoing and still feel loved and accepted by others? Or how about a land where rejection is not an option, no matter what you may or may not have done? Sounds like a fairy tale, huh? Well, it doesn’t have to be. In fact, this is how it very well should be! It is how we were meant to live – and you can create that world, brick by brick, inch by inch, starting off with the person closest to you – YOURSELF.
You see, we as human beings on our life’s journey, deceive ourselves all the time. We say, “Sometimes it is easier to keep a secret. No harm, no foul. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, right?” WRONG! You are lying to yourself because you seek comfort. Well comfort is overrated. You are lying to yourself because you are scared of the unknown. But you must stop. To continue lying will eat away at your soul, causing you untold amounts of future pain.
A lie is something that you make yourself believe in order to make life a little easier; a paradigm under which you operate to avoid pain. A lie is also something you want to believe because to consider the opposite would hurt your ego. But you must understand that a lie will destroy you, inside and out.
Sometimes the difference between a lie and the truth can be subtle. Your brain will actually try to “logically” trick you into believing that lie. We cannot give you a definitive guide on how to differentiate between the two; we are not you and we do not know your specific circumstances, motivations, and desires. We can, however, give you some tips to guide you to make decisions that will serve you well in your relationships.
First and foremost, understand that you cannot be honest with others until you are first honest with yourself. You must stop allowing the voice of deceit and fear and pain to do all the talking for you. If you don’t, the person that ultimately suffers the most is you, not your partner. Being honest requires deliberate effort on a daily basis and tolerating some painful realizations. Yet, by observing our emotions, thoughts, and behaviors, we can learn about who we really are and give ourselves the opportunity to change.
Second, don’t keep secrets. Doing so will only accomplish one thing: driving a wedge between you and your mate. Even if you think you are doing the right thing by withholding the information, the guilt will inevitably haunt you if you have any semblance of a conscience. Assuming that you do, the mere fact that you are withholding information from your loved one (info that you know they wouldn’t like – otherwise you wouldn’t keep it a secret) will cause you to act differently, to project your feelings of infidelity onto your partner, to make you more DISTANT than you’ve ever been. This distance impacts your ability to reach the highest level of intimacy and closeness in the relationship because of your lack of absolute transparency.
Now, we aren’t naïve. We understand that many of our personal truths can hurt. But hurt is a natural aspect of any relationship; a part of the ebb and flow of life & love. Once you accept this fact, no matter what is causing the upset, you and your partner will be able to endure. One thing that has helped us to remain honest with each other is a ploy that we adopted from former characters on BET’s hit show The Game (Melanie & Derwin). It’s simply called “Truth Moment.” This is an exercise we use when one of us has an uncomfortable truth to reveal or a truth that may hurt the other person. Before sharing, we precede it with the declaration, “Truth Moment!” This allows the other person to mentally and emotionally prepare themselves to hear something that may or may not have a negative effect, allowing us to remain in control of our reaction to what we hear. It’s a method that reduces our natural instinct to be defensive, making it a safe space to reveal uncomfortable feelings and emotions. It also fosters acceptance of and empathy for our partner’s perspective.
If you find it difficult to be completely honest, for whatever reason, try having a “Truth Moment” with your partner. In fact, if you want to start on a completely clean slate, why not have a “Truth Session.” This is a time where both of you are allowed to speak any and every uncomfortable truth that has been festering inside of you, whether it has to do with your partner or not, and not be judged for it. This will not be easy, but anything worth it never is. Don’t allow your fear of rejection to overpower the need to be loved for who you really are: the good, the bad, and the ugly. Suspend judgment and you will surely build a foundation based off of verity, cementing a level of security that is resilient and impenetrable.
Can your relationship survive a “Truth Moment?” If so, a new level of closeness is just around the corner.
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